Sub-Saharan Africa has the lowest average statistical capacity score globally. African governments produce only 33.5% of SDG data indicators themselves. Statistical capacity correlates strongly with poor governance (r=0.78). Zambia's national accounts run by one lone employee. African statistical offices lack staff, resources, and basic data. GDP estimates rely on guesstimates for large economy sectors. Ghana's GDP jumped 62% after rebasing, exposing prior inaccuracy. Nigeria's GDP doubled via 89% upward revision. Mozambique's agricultural output overstated by one-third in national accounts. African agricultural productivity shows no real growth per alternative data. Household surveys in Africa suffer massive age heaping from low numeracy. Nigeria districts show 25-60% age heaping in surveys. Chad has 67% incomplete ages in surveys. Political incentives inflate African statistics to fake progress. Low human capital and literacy degrade survey reliability. Night lights and proxies needed as alternatives to garbage official data.